Just Sayin'

Reconstructed boobs take some getting used to. For me, the expanders were easy to accept. I thought it was because of having something on my chest rather than nothing. However, I'm now coming to the conclusion that I accepted the expanders easily because they were an in-between step. They were temporary. They weren't lifelike. They were so fake that they were easy to dismiss - knowing what had yet to come would be better.

Expanders made me feel like a big, bada$ SUV. I had ferocious bumpers. I could bounce off of people and objects with the hardened "bumper" of my boobs. Bonafide hugging can now happen since I'm not bruised and sore. Full frontal hugs are the best - quite different from the Baptist-like expanders that kept space between me and loved ones.

Implants are better; but they're not enough like the real thing to fool me. "Obviously!" some of you might think. I get that - logically. Emotionally, though, it's different. I'm pleased with how I've healed and how I look (compared to what I know is possible) and, let's face it, I'm also happy to pass as "normal" when walking alongside the rest of humanity. Rarely am I completely fooled by my own outward appearance.

Every day begins with lymphatic massage before getting out of bed. When I sit up from a reclined position, I can feel my right side like I'm sunburned - not a skin sunburn, but a skin/muscle/tissue type of sunburn feeling. It's tight and has settled into position overnight. Next up: boob squishes on my radiated side to try to keep the scar tissue from encapsulating my implant.

Some women claim that there does come a time when you don't wake up and think about breast cancer. I'm not so sure that's in the cards for me with the daily-for-the-rest-of-my-life morning routine. It's self care. It's self love. It's a good thing I take time to observe and coach my body. And yet, that care and love I give myself is what sometimes makes my eyes well up with sadness, understanding, appreciation, and realization of what's happened lately in my life.

Not complaining. Just sayin'.