Thoughts

It's weird to know that I'm headed for more chemo in <2 days. I seem to be in a recursive journey where my body is feeling good and recovering well - so it must be time to bring on the next round of this spar with cancer. On one hand, I feel great and am dragging my heels about doing it; on the other hand, I firmly believe this is what needs to be done at this point in my treatment, so let's get this stuff started already!

There lies underneath a sense of dread, fear, and anxiety before each new step in the journey. How will this go? Will my body tolerate things well? Is this the right thing to do? What if...? These thoughts swim to and fro and sometimes make my stomach flip turn.

This journey is not just a test of what a body can take, but also of what a mind can handle. Wrapping my head around being diagnosed with breast cancer was the first step. There are physical limitations - some I must accept; others require daily work to improve. I've learned/am learning to ask others for help and voice my needs. There is a lot of introspection involved with diagnosis, sickness, treatment, surgery, and life after your medically active "fight" is over. Much of this journey is a brain game. I've done my best during radiation and post-radiation recovery to fortify my mind by revisiting meditation, continuing therapy, talking openly and honestly with Joshua, and by "dancing in the rain."

A short video I took on our latest snowshoeing adventure.
We went snowshoeing on our neighborhood streets and in the nearby park.
It was awesome!

When my body gets weak during chemo and my mind begins thinking tricky little thoughts, I'm going to have memories and pictures to reflect upon. These will remind me what I was capable of in early 2012 - just 4 months after my last chemo treatment and 3 months after surgery. Some great early 2012 memories include:

• driving
• walking and jogging
• snowshoeing
• participating in life in as close to normal as I can recall since May 2011
• getting together with friends and family
• meeting with YES! group members
• swinging my head back and forth and not getting nauseous
• practicing pilates and yoga
• having hair (and getting a trim)
• feeling strong and well

Joshua and my mom will upload posts on what's going on/how I'm doing/whatever they'd like to blog about that's relevant. These coming weeks may not be a good time to be on the computer much, so know that I'm just going through things if I'm not blogging or responding to emails. Now is the time to focus inward on healing.